Watching VH1

This weekend, new episodes of Rock of Love, Hogan Knows Best, and Scott Baio is 45…and Single premiered. If you missed them, they replay throughout the week. Until then, you can read my recaps after the jump.

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Rock of Love–

Previously, Jes didn’t win the challenge again. Heather told Bret that Erin was getting married in May, which she denied. They all partied hard, and Rodeo had a breakdown so she (and Brandi C.) was kicked out. Lacey thinks she’s the mastermind and will pick the girls off one by one until she wins.

This week starts off where last week ended with the celebration after elimination. Bret doesn’t feel well and goes to bed. The girls stay up and party some more. Brandi M. got super drunk and annoying. Brandi admits to being a big drunk sloppy mess before going to bed. The next morning she’s really hungover and wants to puke everywhere.

Lacey isn’t winning challenges, so she isn’t getting one on one time, so she decides to do something else so she can win. Brandi reads the note from Bret that was left with a pile of sports equipment. It tells them they will be playing football in order to win the date and one more person will be eliminated. Heather is excited because football is her game. Jes feels she needs to win to get that one on one time with Bret.

The girls go through the piles of clothes and form teams. Team Sweethearts consists of Brandi, Jes, Magdalena, and Mia. Brandi is very confident about her team, except Magdalena who doesn’t know much about American football. The Fallen Angels is Heather, Lacey, Erin, and Sam. Heather is not thrilled about her team. Brandi vows to play hard even if she is hungover.

They get to the field and Jes is positive she’ll win because it’s athletic. They see the mud and Bret is excited to find a girl who loves football as much as he does. The MVP of the game will get a special one on one date with Bret. He will play quarterback for both teams while Big John referees. Rodney Scott, former college football player, will coach both teams.

Heather is ready to beat the other team to a pulp and Lacey says her team is so tough and they’re going to win for sure. Bret side arms the ball towards Magdalena and she slides around as Sam hugs her instead of tackling her. Brandi catches the ball and falls immediately, which Jes thinks is a problem for her team. None of the girls seems to know how to play and Bret says this is definitely not the way he’s used to playing football. Jes gets the ball and smokes the field for a touchdown. Bret says it’s the sexiest touchdown ever.

Lacey says she’ll break wrists or knocking out teeth to win that date. She totally takes out Mia. Lacey gets the ball and Jes plows her over and she twists her ankle so the paramedics come in to check her out. Sam thinks it’s hilarious, even if she is on her team. Jes says she got what she deserves for pushing her in the pool. Bret tells the other team they have to bench somebody to make it even and that person will no longer be eligible for the date. They decide Brandi should sit since she’s hungover, and she agrees, but is bummed she can’t win the date.

Sam misses a bunch of throws and Bret is watching Jes who can do it all. Heather starts getting pissed because her teammates have never played before and decides she’ll have to carry the whole team. She starts knocking people down and this turns Bret on. Heather tackles Jes, who starts bleeding, and just spits it out.

Heather takes a pass and her pants get ripped off, so she just takes them off. The game is tied and Heather knows she’ll be MVP. The coach tells Heather to intercept the ball and Bret tells the other girls to block Heather so Jes can catch the ball. Jes catches the ball and runs in for the touchdown. The Sweethearts win and Jes is named the MVP. The rest of the team gets a group date and a trophy.

Bret says Jes is young and beautiful, but he has no connection with her yet. They all hop in the limo and no one can move. Lacey says she has to win the next challenge. Meanwhile, Jes is getting ready for her date with Bret. Mia does her hair for her, and Jes admits she’s nervous and it’s strange for her to get nervous. She says she’s only 23, but her walls are high because ever guy she’s ever dated has cheated on her. She knows Bret is concerned, but the one on one time will show him she can trust him. Big John shows up and tells Jes he’ll be her escort for the evening. Jes is confused and wonders where Bret is. They get in the limo and take off.

Erin makes a phone call to her boss and finds out that Justin Timberlake is going to be at her work the next night and gets upset. Lacey eavesdrops on the conversation and decides she can use this information to her advantage. She runs in and tells Heather what happened. Lacey tells her that Erin would rather spend time with Justin Timberlake. So, Heather decides to write Bret a letter. Lacey tells Heather her plan on getting rid of Erin. They decide to get all the dirt they can about her and tell Bret.

Jes gets to the restaurant to meet Bret and Big John leaves her to sit at the only table in the club. Bret is nowhere to be found, but he comes out on stage and plays her a song he wrote for the date. Jes says she’s mesmerized because she’s never seen him sing before. He finishes up his song, and joins her at the table. Bret tells her stories about himself and his past to try to break down Jes’s walls. She listens intently as he talks about the guard around her heart. Jes tells Bret about her last relationship ending because her boyfriend cheated on her with her best friend. She decides she’s comfortable with Bret and can let down her guard. They kiss and Bret says he finally feels that connection and Jes says they have both the emotional and physical connection.

The next morning, Bret reads the letter and says he was pissed about it. She doesn’t understand why she’s in trouble. He tells her he knows she’s there for him and has his back. Heather is relieved and Bret starts venting to her about Erin. He thinks she’s still in love with the guy back home and is mad that she’s always complaining about the celebs she’s missing that are coming into her restaurant. His insecurity shows as he’s jealous that she wants to see Justin Timberlake. He says he’s done and it’s going to end now. Heather is now not worried about elimination.

Big John brings the girls their letter and Mia reads it. The winning team (not Jes, though) will be going to a shooting range. The girls are all excited and go off with Bret. Heather, Lacey, and Erin are by the pool and they are trying to talk to her and get more information out of her. They get her to admit that she likes preppy guys and decide that means she’s not there for Bret. Bret asks the girls in the limo about Erin and her celebrities. He seems offended that he would be just another notch on Erin’s bedpost when he’s the notcher. Mia tells him that she agrees and why would she want to wait on other celebs when she’s got Bret right there already? Brandi thinks Erin should be nervous.

They get to the shooting range and Brandi says she’s going to hit every target. They meet their instructor, Tim, and get a safety lesson. Bret goes first and shoots some bottles and apples. He wants a girl who is okay with him shooting. Mia goes first, and she’s nervous. She doesn’t hit anything. Neither does Brandi at first, but she eventually hits a bottle of soda. She says it was great stress relief from the house. Magdalena is worried she’ll kill everyone, but she hits targets left and right. Mia thinks she’s a Polish spy or CIA or something. Bret is really impressed.

They all go into the lodge for lunch and check out all the big game hunters had killed. Bret asks them about Heather and her letter. Brandi says she can’t trust Heather and she’s not impressed with her partying lifestyle at her age. Bret automatically defends her by saying that she’s told him she isn’t really into it, and thinks she could be lying. Bret asks if Heather is money hungry and Brandi tells him that she was on the Surreal Life and tried to get with Vanilla Ice. This angers Bret that he didn’t know this and Brandi tells him it was on TV and he could see it for himself. They hop back in the limo and Bret says he won’t be played.

Back at the house, Heather tells Lacey about her talk with Bret about Erin. As they talk, Erin hears and comes in to confront them. They were taken by surprise and their best cover up is to tell Erin her hair looks fun. Erin says Heather is being nice to her but she doesn’t trust her. When the girls get back from the date, Brandi confronts Heather about the letter. Heather doesn’t know how much she knows, but makes up a bunch of stuff that no one believes. She tells them the letter was all about her and they shouldn’t worry.

Bret’s in his room playing his guitar and Lacey goes to knock on his door. She tells Bret about Erin and her not being there for him. Bret tells Lacey his problem with Heather is she needs to be straight with him and tells Lacey about how he was mad about the Surreal Life thing. Lacey admits she’s in an alliance with Heather, but she’s not going to try anything to save her. She wants Bret to trust her more than Heather.

Brandi calls Erin over and tells her about Heather’s letter and what it said in it. Brandi was happy to do it so they can fight about it and she can just stay out of it. Erin confronts her in the phone booth and Heather tells her what she said and that she doesn’t think she’s there for Bret. They fight some more and Heather walks away telling her to just go home. Erin goes to knock on Bret’s door. He finds it interesting that everyone needs to talk to him on elimination day.

Erin tells him she was going to talk to him because she hasn’t seen him in a couple of days, but then she found out about Heather’s letter. Bret’s in a bad mood and tells her to go talk to Heather. He doesn’t even let her in the door and then when Erin leaves, he goes back to talk to Lacey.

At the elimination, Erin and Heather are still talking about her. Brandi doesn’t care if Heather or Erin go home, as long as one of them does. Lacey calls herself the puppetmaster and says Erin is leaving and she’ll have to choose her next victim. Bret comes in and starts handing out passes. Jes gets the first one, then Mia, Brandi, Lacey, Magdalena, and Sam. Bret hems and haws over the last pass as Heather freaks out that she doesn’t have her pass yet. Bret tells everyone that he has mistrust issues and he hears everything that is going on and warns Heather that he doesn’t necessarily believe everything she says. He gives Heather the last pass and she’s relieved. Erin goes down to say goodbye as Bret stares at her boobs and she says that she has had bigger stars than Bret anyway.

Next time, the girls hang out on a tour bus and do various activities to prove they can handle that type of life. They all sit around and talk about each other. Lacey tells them they are not her friends. At a house party, everyone gets on the pole, including Sam. She walks out, though, as Bret is dancing with the other girls and tells him she’s too sensitive to be there.

Hogan Knows Best–

Nick is hanging out with some friends and Hulk tries to go down and talk with him about his racing. Hulk mistakenly says that Travis Barker races with Nick, but Nick tells him that Travis is the drummer for Blink 182. Hulk keeps trying to fit in and tells the guys that he’ll help them change their distributor cap on their cars if they need him. Nick tells his friends there are no distributors on their drift cars.

Linda is out by the pool cutting the dog’s hair and Hulk says he doesn’t get to communicate with Nick anymore and that he seems irritated with him now. Linda says she’s tried and has just given up. She doesn’t understand their things. Hulk can still connect with Brooke because he understands about music, but he can’t find common ground with Nick. Linda says he’d rather talk with his friends and that Hulk has to figure out what he can do about that.

Hulk goes up to Nick as he’s chatting on the computer and decides to have Nick teach him how to IM. Linda thinks it’s stupid that you have to type in you’re laughing. Nick sets them up with IM and teaches them about screen names and passwords. He adds himself as a buddy and goes on his computer to send Hulk a message. Hulk slowly types in his answer. He’s not too impressed with the computer thing and Nick takes off telling him if he meets any new hot internet girlfriends to let him know.

Later, Hulk heads to the music store and looks around for something that Nick would like. He asks the clerk for help finding new rap and hip hop. Hulk asks him about the war between Biggie Smalls and Tupac. The clerk gets him a Young Jeezy CD and Hulk pops it in his CD player in his truck. He backs it up several times so he can learn the words. He raps as he rolls and even gets the head bopping down.

He joins Brooke in the living room to watch the Hills. He shows her his new IMing skills. He IMs Nick to come downstairs and watch a cool show with him. Brooke tries to help Hulk type, and he doesn’t know where the space bar is. Nick comes down and Hulk tries to tell him what’s going on in the show, but gets a name wrong. He calls himself a closet Hills queen, which doesn’t seem to impress Nick. He offers to get a TiVo so they can tape the shows and watch them together. Nick tells him he’s more into Wild N Out and those types of shows and leaves. Hulk asks Brooke what time that comes on and decides to check it out.

Later, Hulk joins the family in the living room and tells Nick he got the new Young Cheesy CD, which Nick corrects him to say Young Jeezy. Hulk wants Young Jeezy on his phone, so Nick helps him out. He wants to know when he decided to listen to rap. He claims he likes it and starts rapping. Linda asks him if he’s a rapper and he tells her he got Young Jay-Z. Nick corrects him again and then tells his mom the dog peed on the carpet. Linda wants to know how he knows all the words and he says he’s just too hip for her as he raps out of the room.

Two days later, Hulk goes to get Nick to skeet shoot with him, but Nick was already going to race. He goes down to see if Brooke will go with him instead. She is using a new microphone. She tells him to take Nick, but agrees to go when she finds out he’s busy. Brooke goes to get dressed in a miniskirt and baby tee because there could be a cute hunter.

Hulk shoots first and Brooke is sort of scared at first. The instructor shows her how to load the gun and she’s impressed by the bullets. She hits the skeet the first time and runs away. She decides she liked it and shoots more. She thinks it’s really cool and thinks she could get into it. She says she feels like Rambo and Hulk calls her Bimbo.

Back at home, Hulk asks Linda if they can take a family day to the go-kart track. She thinks it would be good for the family and Hulk hopes it will help him connect with Nick on a track. They go get the kids and Nick reluctantly agrees to go, but insists he drives himself to the track. They get to the track and get helmets on. They race around for awhile and Nick wins the race. Nick thanks his parents and says he has to take his dad to the drifter cars sometime. As Hulk and Linda drive home, Hulk doesn’t think Nick had a good time because he’s used to more speed. He wants to feel like he’s one of the guys. He tells Linda he wants to go take drift racing lessons. He decides to call Bobby Orr to get lessons.

At the track, Hulk tells Bobby he needs to learn how to drive to get closer to Nick. Bobby agrees to teach him some things. Bobby drives first with Hulk in the passenger seat. Then Hulk jumps in and practices, running over many cones in the process. He eventually gets the hang of it and practices for a couple of days. Bobby tells him that he may not drive as good as Nick does, but Nick will definitely be impressed.

Hulk goes to see Nick race and catches him in the parking lot. He asks Nick’s friend if he can use his practice car and Nick looks worried. He is impressed as Hulk smokes the car around the parking lot. Nick runs up to Hulk to find out where he learned that. Hulk admits to taking lessons and that he did it so he can hang out with Nick. Nick tells him he was never off the team and he doesn’t have to fit in for him to like him. Hulk wants to be an official driver on his car, too. Nick doesn’t think that’s such a good idea.

Next time, Linda wants to get into shape, but doesn’t want Hulk to train her. He gets upset and jealous of her new trainer.

Scott Baio–

Previously, Scott tried to decide if he would be a good father and he met Renee’s daughter.

This week starts off with Scott taking out his sexual frustrations on a heavy bag. Doc Ali tells him he doesn’t know how to be intimate without sex. She asks him if he knows about cuddle parties and explains it’s a non-sexual touching of both men and women. Scott seems reluctant and asks if he has to spoon a man. He decides he’s not going without his friends. Doc Ali talks about the differences between an emotional intimacy and just having sex to feel good about yourself.

Scott talks about a sex buddy named Connie who has been just a sexual partner and nothing more on and off for 10 or 15 years. She asks if he Scott still leads her on and that is his new assignment. He has to cut off this sexual relationship. Scott tells Doc Ali he’s frustrated because he hasn’t felt any different yet. He’s getting beat up by all these women and nothing has changed. He wants to be that guy Doc Ali says he will be, but he doesn’t know if this process will get him there. He just wants Doc Ali to tell him what his problem is. She says he’s done this halfway just like he’s done everything else in his life. He needs to reflect on each lesson and learn from it in order for the process to work. Scott agrees with her and he’s mad she’s right.

Scott goes bowling with his group of buddies. He asks them to come to the cuddle party. He tells them cuddling is the annoying thing he has to do after sex and he doesn’t want to go. Johnny V is in if there are pretty girls or single mothers. Steve says he’ll go to support him. Jason says he’ll have to talk to his wife and then tells Scott he’s only got two more weeks to figure out if he wants to marry Renee.

When Scott goes to meet Connie, Jason and Johnny V sit in the bar. Scott says Connie is the female version of him. He explains to her what’s going on. She tells him that their sex was sterile, not passionate, and brief. She talks about double booking and she gets annoyed as he receives a text message and tells him he could have turned off his phone. She compares his dating life to like a salesman who has a route and appointments. He says he’s guilty of that. He gets another call and says they are good as he shoves salad in his mouth. Connie calls him callous and he says nothing he has done is malicious and realizes that breaking off this relationship was going to be just as hard as an emotional relationship. He tells her they should just be friends and she agrees saying the other way took a lot out of her and she never got anything in return. She then calls him a black hole of emotion and Scott gets tired. She tells him it wasn’t emotional and they just had chicken. They hug and Scott figures out he never gave her any intimacy.

Scott relays the conversation to Doc Ali and explains what she meant by sterile. Doc Ali asks if that’s the kind of man he wants to be. He’s standing at a crossroads of his old life and a different life of being a husband and father. He doesn’t know how to commit to one person for life. He wants to know what you do when you wake up and your wife looks like Shecky Green or the wrath of God. He does his impression of married men with fat bellies and hunched shoulders. If he’s free and loose he doesn’t have to think of those things. Doc Ali tells him to stop acting like a victim and tells him to decide to not let that happen. He agrees with her just to get her out of there.

Scott, Steve, and Johnny V put on their pajamas and head to the cuddle party. Johnny tells them he’s got tons of condoms to hand out to everyone. He’s excited and wants to plan the night out. Scott is nervous because he doesn’t know what it is. Johnny insists that it’s an orgy and Steve tells him he’s wrong and he looked it up on the internet.

They walk up to the party and Scott says he owes them big. He felt like he was in a cult. Reed is the creator and they all go around the circle introducing themselves. Johnny asks about erections. Reed tells him to ask whoever he’s cuddling with if it’s okay. Their first assignment is to ask for 4 hugs from different people. Scott hugs a couple people, including a little person named Shorty. Everyone gets in a circle and moos and then a massage circle. Scott decides to try to sleep through the rest of the party. However, a girl asks to read him a poem and rub her feet and Shorty asks to cuddle with him.

A girl named Rebecca asks him to spoon with her and he agrees after thinking about Doc Ali accusing him of only doing things halfway. He ends up telling her all about his process as she lies next to him. She tells him if he can relax with her as they cuddle, just think how much he’ll relax with someone he loves. He says he’s got nothing to lose with her, so it’s different. He enjoys his meaningful conversation and then gets up to go. Everyone joins in a group hug and he knew he had to tear down some more walls so he can be with Renee. As they leave, Johnny V wants to come back tomorrow night for another cuddle party.

Next time, Scott introduces his friends to Doc Ali and goes to see some twins he used to date. Johnny V does not impress Doc Ali. Johnny thinks Doc Ali is stifling his relationship with Scott. She tells Scott to break off his relationship with Johnny V.