Watching VH1

The premiere of Rock of Love with Bret Michaels premiered last night on VH1. Did you miss it? Well, lucky for you, I didn’t. It re-plays throughout the week, but until then, you can read my recap after the jump. You can also check out my thoughts on both Rock of Love and Scott Baio is 45…and Single on the WatchingVH1.com MySpace Page.

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The episode starts out with Bret on his motorcycle telling us about his love of Rock and Roll. However, he’s tired of just “hooking up” with beautiful women 9 months out of the year and now wants a relationship. He tells us the theory behind Rock of Love is finding a woman he wants to both be friends with and have sex with instead of just one or the other.

Bret gives us a quick tour of his huge house, swimming pool, motocross track, recording studio, and then talks about his daughters and it has to be a special woman to take to meet his girls. His head of security, Big John, is in charge of getting the contestants’ house ready. He even vacuums. Bret, again, says his true love is Rock and Roll but he needs one woman to join them.

Next, we get to meet some of the ladies vying for Bret’s affections. Brandi M. thinks she’ll win because she’s sexy, Magdalena thinks he’ll be her man, and Erin was named Miss Hooters of Illinois so she’s got the tools to win (and she gets the Schatar of Charm School bell every time she blinks). The next interview is with Raven who says her favorite song is “Every Thorn Has Its Rose”. She’s toast.

Bret rolls up and there is a lot of the bimbo bounce and screaming going on. Brandi C. talks about how hot he is and how she’s been waiting for this for her whole life. Brandi M. says she’s going to get some rocker ass. Tawny tells us she used to kiss his album. Bret tells them they are all beautiful and he wants to get to know someone special. Rodeo likes his blonde hair and bandana. Bret tells us he was fired up when he saw all the beautiful women and then he introduces the ladies to Big John. Heather says she doesn’t want to get in trouble because Big John is BIG.

Bret goes off to shower and says he left Big John to do whatever he does (which he doesn’t know what that is because he’s never around for it). Big John lays out the rules of the house. The final rule is not to puke in the Jacuzzi because he is the one who has to clean it. Big John starts picking out women and doesn’t tell them why. Tamara, Rodeo, and Magdalena are a bit upset they don’t get picked. He sends the rest of the girls in and Tiffany gets excited because she thinks she gets a VIP pass to meet Bret. Big John tells the five girls he picked that they aren’t even getting in the house and sends them home. Pam is mad because she didn’t even get to meet Bret. Kelly feels humiliated. Tiffany vows that she isn’t going home.

The rest of the ladies check out everything in the house, and end up heading straight for the bar. Lacey sees instruments and a drum set and goes to play because she’s a musician. Tamara thinks she’s trying too hard. Kristia and Brandi C. decide to be BFF because they are both blonde and that they will share Bret and they are twins sort of kind of but not really. Brandi C. thinks if they can put their boobs together, they think better. She then tries to convince the others they are smart.

Meanwhile, Tiffany, one of the eliminated ladies, starts pounding on the door. Everyone just kind of looks at the door and does nothing. Finally, Big John goes to answer it and finds Tiffany there. She begs to be let in the house and says she will sleep on the floor if she has to. Her main argument is that she had a hat made. Big John lets her come back and she jumps up and hugs him. None of the others are very thrilled with this new addition to the house and think it’s not fair she was let back in after she was already eliminated.

A deep conversation about fake breasts ensues and they start feeling each others’ boobs. Brandi C. thinks it’s cool they all have had plastic surgery and she loves her boobs which were the best present from her parents last year.

Big John gets the ladies lined up to meet Bret one on one and Rodeo gets in the front of the line. Kristia is so excited to meet him and see how sexy he is and wants to snuggle. Bret emerges from his room and the girls continue talking about how hot and sexy he is as he works the line. Brandi C. says they look like brother and sister, but that’s hot.

Bret tells us that he’s a photographer and he’s going to take their pictures to see their personalities through the lens. Bret is impressed with Rodeo’s muscles tells her to be sexy. Magdalena thinks she looks like a man (which is odd because Magdalena is very manly herself). Bret likes her sexy cowboy hat. Tiffany gets up there and slobbers all over Bret’s face, which for some reason turns him on. All of the girls go up and take their pictures and kiss him. Magdalena decides she’s going to use tongue and Bret loves her cleanly shaven legs. There’s a lot of “oh yeah” sounds coming out of Bret and he admits he’s very horny and ready to pop. Lauren gets up there and she can’t work up a sexy look. She’s super shy and then Jessica comes up and makes weird faces. Heather, the stripper, shows him some nipple, which does not impress Erin at all.

It is now time for Bret to have some one on one time with the ladies. He sits with Lacey and talks about Texas. Brandi C. gets jealous and tries to interrupt the conversation. She whines at him and makes him promise to come and teach her how to play pool. She finally goes away and more ladies join them on the couch and sit right on him. Brandi C. is jealous and says those other girls aren’t pretty at all. He goes off with Magdalena instead of to play pool with Brandi C.

Bret says this is different for him because it’s like going on first dates and that’s not what he’s used to. Faith asks him what his goal is being on this show. He says he wants to get away from the craziness and find that special someone. He gets a little graphic and then stutters a bit to get back on track and says it isn’t easy. He moves on Tamara and says she’s physically one of the most beautiful women he’s ever seen. As Bret talks to her, she can’t hold a conversation. She doesn’t really answer any of his questions and makes really no sense. The only thing she really understands is that she has sexy feet. He vows he will find a way to communicate even if it means beating on a log or sending smoke signals.

Tiffany starts hard core drinking at the bar and the other girls are laughing and wondering if she’s crazy or an alcoholic. The subtitles begin and even with the subtitles, it still makes no sense what she’s saying. None of the girls like Tiffany and think she should never have been let back in the house.

Samantha and Bret are talking about music preferences and he loves her tattoos. He says she’s the first one he really took a notice too because they had so much in common. Heather is also there and notices Bret’s tattoo of his daughter’s birthday is also her birthday and immediately sees that as a sign. Sam admits she’s intimidated by Heather.

After going back inside, Heather starts giving stripper lessons on the conveniently located stripper pole in the house. Drunk Tiffany decides she can do better and starts working the pole. The girls cheer her on because they think it’s funny. We see even more subtitles with more incoherent babble and Big John shakes his head.

Bret gives Brandi M. the nickname “Wildthing” and that’s what I’ll call her from now on because there is another Brandi. She tells him that she’s a dancer and ruled by her genitals. Bret is thinking she will be great for hot Rock and Roll sex. Jessica is also there and when Bret asks her a question she starts just babbling but doesn’t look at him ever. He thinks her brain is somewhere else.

Meanwhile, Brandi and Kristia are going around talking in baby talk looking for Bret. Tawny says she didn’t want to listen to them for fear she would get dumber. Raven starts talking to Bret…and talking…and talking. She’s trying to tell him she needs a guy who wants her for her intelligence and not her body. After a long monologue, Bret shuts her up by telling her she’s got a nice butt.

Bret takes Rodeo out by the pool and has a conversation. They bond over their children and medical issues. Bret says there is a real solid bond there. They get deep into their struggles and as they hold hands some crazy background graphics and swelling music appear.

Tiffany is still drinking at the bar. Wildthing is laughing at her and calls her a sloppy mess, so Tiffany starts throwing censored words at her and then gets up in her face. She starts wagging her finger in Dallas’s face, which has shades of Flavor of Love written all over it. Dallas wants to call security so she doesn’t beat down Tiffany. Wildthing tells her to lower her voice and put her in her place. Big John steps in to break it up and tells Tiffany to mellow out.

Bret takes Jes outside to talk and says she’s extremely sexy and he needs to get to know her. Tiffany shows up at the table and Bret tells her to go away for a minute and he’ll find her. Bret asks Jes what she wants out of this experience. She tells him that she has no expectations and she likes surprises. Bret knows she’s smart, but feels that she put up a wall. Luckily for Jes, that’s a turn on.

Random girls just start showing up and pulling Bret away. Brandi and Kristia are standing to the side whispering to each other and whining about how they’ve had no time with Bret. Mia comes to take him away, and Brandi starts whining about how he promised her he’d teach her pool. Mia won’t take no for an answer, though, and they actually start a tug of war match over him. He sets up a plan on who to talk to and when.

He sits with Kristia and Brandi and then Tiffany comes over and just sits on top of Bret and gives him some sort of drunken lap dance. He says he was turned on a bit, but it became brutal. Bret goes off to find Big John to take care of Tiffany. Bret is sort of wishing there were only 5 girls at this point because he’s overwhelmed. As he’s looking for Big John, he gets dragged off by Mia and Brandi is whining again. Kristia tells her to calm down as she whines some more.

Tiffany heads back outside and approaches a group of girls. It’s the same girls she was fighting with earlier. Dallas tells her to go away because they aren’t going to talk with her. She tries to get Jes to talk to her, but she calls her Jen and that makes Jes mad. Tiffany starts slurring about hater-ade and that’s about all I can figure out.

Lacey and Mia have some more alone time with Bret. Mia asks him what he’s looking for and Lacey brings up the fact she’s also a touring musician and she’s okay with what goes on in the tour bus. Bret says that’s what he’s looking for. She understands his lifestyle and that’s what he needs.

Bret then notices that there are some girls who separated themselves from the rest of the party and that’s not good for him. Tiffany keeps slurring about hater-ade and how she doesn’t care about anybody. She goes up to Magdalena, Sam, and Faith and they try to ask her questions about why she’s actually there. She’s mad because she was eliminated and even the subtitles can’t understand her answer. She says she’s there because of her daughter and Faith thinks that’s a strange answer and that she needs to be there for Bret and no one else. Tiffany starts breaking down and Big John comes over to make sure everything is okay and he tells Tiffany to fix her problems or he’ll make sure she’s eliminated.

Brandi C. puts on some tiny bikini and goes to sit on Bret. Her extremely large boobs popping out of her top get his attention, and she finally gets her alone time. Lacey says if she had a brain cell it would be lonely. Brandi tells him she would let him have herself and three other girlfriends as long as she was the lead girlfriend, which impressed Bret but he’s not sure that would be a long term relationship material.

They get ready for elimination and Kristia is worried that she didn’t get a lot of alone time. Sam is worried because she doesn’t drink or party and they don’t have that in common. Tiffany vows she’s not leaving any time soon. Bonnie is worried because she doesn’t think there was enough time for everything. Magdalena says Rodeo needs to go home because she’s too manly (HA!) and Tiffany, too, because she’s a crack head. Wildthing calls Tiffany a sloppy mess again.

Bret comes out and says he must eliminate 6 tonight. He starts out with saying he felt a very strong connection with the first girl and calls down Rodeo. She says she knows it was meant to be. Bret’s line is “Will you rock my world?” Magdalena is upset because if she gets picked she will feel she’s being compared to Rodeo and she “ain’t no man” (again, HA!). Heather gets picked because of her lovely breasts. Jes is next and she’s happy. Sam, Magdalena, Wildthing, Faith, Tamara, Mia, Erin, Dallas, Tawny, Lacey, Kristia, and then there is one pass left. He says this decision was really hard, and Raven rolls her eyes several times. Bret says he is on the fence, but wants to get to know this girl a bit more. Brandi C. is freaking out because she hasn’t been called yet while all of the other uglier girls have gotten passes. Well, he does choose Brandi C. because she’s there for him, but confesses he thinks she’s annoying. He makes one more announcement, and that’s the fact he’s keeping Tiffany as well. She has no bed, but he thinks she deserves another chance because she was drunk tonight and he wants to get to know the real her. Dallas thinks she performed favors for Big John. He tells her to behave herself and says he kept her because she’s entertaining.

Bret tells the rest of them they were beautiful and intelligent, but he just didn’t have enough time to get to know them. Most of them are okay with things, but Raven just wants to shake his hand and says he can kiss her butt. Jessica thinks she doesn’t have big enough boobs. Bret thinks Lauren was too innocent and he’s really sad about letting Bonnie go because he thinks she’s beautiful. Big John brings out some beer and they all toast. Erin thinks the other girls should watch out because she’s not dumb like the others.

The clips for the season promise much drunken debauchery and drama. Mo’Nique is going to have a brand new class for the next Charm School.