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Bret may have found his Rock of Love in Jes, but the drama isn’t over yet! Did you catch the Reunion Show? I did! I also saw the premiere of America’s Most Smartest Model with Ben Stein and have recapped them both for you, dear readers. Check out the recaps after the jump.

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Rock of Love Reunion Show–

Well, what do you know? It’s not LaLa hosting the reunion show this time. It is actually Riki Rachtman. He reminds us what happened over the past few weeks and then introduces the ladies who actually showed up and also Big John. Heather’s hair isn’t huge for once and I barely recognized her. Riki then introduces Bret who comes out to much smoke, a light show, and some pyrotechnics. Riki strokes his ego by telling him he’s a bigger star than ever and Bret becomes humble and tells him it was the girls who made the show so huge.

Riki then introduces a clips package of Brandi C. and Kristia’s bonding. They instantly became BFF because they were blonde and if they put their boobs together they thought better. Unfortunately, their bond is broken when Bret sent home Kristia early. Brandi C. then drowned her sorrows in alcohol. The girls, who happen to be dressed similarly, head down to the stage and give Bret a kiss. Riki asks them if their friendship continued, and indeed they are now roommates. They took a road trip cross country to move in together in LA. They admit they made their own hideous dresses and call them “wedding dresses” in case Bret had changed his mind. They tell some more boring stories about sleeping together in the same bed and punching each other. Thankfully, it ends and the girls leave the stage.

Next up is Rodeo and we see clips of her in the house bonding with Bret over their kids and then having multiple breakdowns. Bret let her go because she missed her son and gave her his hat and walked her out. She heads to the stage wearing that hat Bret gave her and gives him a kiss. Riki asks her how hard it was to leave the show and she says she had to put her family first, but it was hard to walk away from him and she still feels things for him and she wants to have a second chance if things don’t work out with Jes. He says he likes her a lot and she’s awesome. They hug again. Awwwww. Riki asks what she’s got fan in the future and she plugs her organic barbecue sauce and clothing line. Riki makes fun of her for plugging her items right after having such a touching moment.

Riki introduces clips of Sam on the show next. Bret says he took notice of Sam and her tattoos first, but Sam had issues with Bret kissing and hooking up with the other girls and she couldn’t get over her trust issues. However, she left with a bang and a long, lingering, hot kiss. Riki tells Bret how the audience didn’t want him to break Sam’s heart and then they bring her up on stage. Riki calls her exit the one of the most shocking exits on reality TV, but she seemed happy when she left. She admits she was happy and she did have feelings for Bret, but she knew she couldn’t trust him when he was on tour. Bret says that in a different world they may have had a chance to be together, but not here and now.

It’s time for Lacey’s appearance and it begins with some clips of her being evil. They include fighting with Dallas and pulling Jes into the pool. Lacey comes out to loud boos. Riki asks Lacey about her dad first and Lacey says she’s not doing porn. She says she did feel a bond with Bret when she’s asked if she was there to promote herself. She says the other girls were all there to mess up Bret’s life and she had his back. She promises the other girls weren’t even close to being on his mind when she and Bret were alone.

Riki then shows some clips of Lacey and Dallas arguing in the house and Rodeo breaking them up. They bring Dallas up on stage to join Lacey. She looks less than thrilled to have to sit next to her. I’m not sure where Bret went, but his chair is empty. Dallas says she doesn’t hate animals, but she hates Lacey. Dallas points out that Bret wears leather and snake boots. She also says Lacey doesn’t talk to her when the cameras aren’t rolling when Lacey starts to apologize. Lacey pulls out a T-shirt she made for Dallas that has her quote on the back about slitting animals’ throats and the front says she loves Michael Vick. Dallas isn’t fazed and thanks her for the shirt.

A clip of Brandi M. and Lacey is shown next and Brandi joins Lacey on stage. Brandi admits she made a mistake telling Lacey how she felt in Vegas. Lacey says she always had Bret’s back and he was on the show for publicity. Riki takes offense to that and says he was there to find love and he didn’t need the publicity. Brandi then makes fun of Lacey’s video on YouTube and Lacey fights back with Brandi doing porn. Brandi says she decided she wanted to go home because she didn’t want to be with Bret after he had slept with Lacey.

Lacey and her band then perform a song she wrote about her time in the house. It’s pretty awful, and luckily, Riki sends it to commercial so we don’t have to listen to it anymore. Lacey is back sitting on the couch when the commercial break is over. Riki asks Mia what she thinks of Lacey. Mia talks about when Lacey ran naked around the house and she threw her drink on her. Mia says at least she was able to leave with her dignity when Lacey brings up the point that Mia didn’t get any screen time.

The next clip is Lacey and Heather arguing when their parents visited. Heather comes up onto the stage and Riki asks her how Lacey rode her coattails. Heather says she snapped a bit and Lacey admits she was hurt when she accused her of riding her coattails. She does apologize for going to Bret before talking with Heather and Heather apologizes for hitting below the belt with the sexual talk in front of her parents. They hug and make up and then Lacey leaves the stage.

Riki introduces some clips of Heather bonding with Bret on the show, including the tattoo and her tirade in the limo after she lost. Riki immediately asks her about the tattoo and Heather says she’s gotten more since then. She tattooed the word “sucks” under Bret’s name on her neck. She admits that the “new tattoo” is fake, but she thinks it was funny. They bring Bret back out and they hug as Bret admits he does suck. Bret says they hit it off right away, and Heather says she doesn’t feel anger towards him. Bret says it was a turn on that she was so mad. Riki asks him how he made his final choice. He said he was forced to make the decision for the show, but he wants to keep Heather in his life.

It’s finally time for Bret and Jes to be reunited. They haven’t seen each other in 6 months since they filmed the finale. After the obligatory clips of Jes and how she had her walls up, she comes out on stage and they hug. Riki asks Jes what she thought about what just transpired with Heather and Bret and she says she feels sorry for Heather because she wears her heart on her sleeve. Jes tells Bret she was hurt that he didn’t walk her to her room at the hotel after the finale. Bret explains he wasn’t allowed to see her outside of the house. Jes tells him he made the wrong choice and he should have chosen Heather. He seems surprised at this but admits he may have chosen Jes because he wasn’t ready to be in love with Heather. They both agree and then Jes goes to give Heather a hug and the show ends. It’s the perfect set up for Bret doing Rock of Love 2.

America’s Most Smartest Model–

Our hosts for this show will be the brilliant Ben Stein and fashion editor Mary Alice Stephenson. 16 models answered the call for beautiful models who think they are smart. They will be put through challenges to not only test their intelligence, but also their catwalk skills.

Mary Alice greets the contestants and introduces Ben Stein who was the Valedictorian of his Yale Law School and a speech writer for president Nixon. One of the models was excited to meet Ben because of Ferris Bueller’s Day Off. Mary Alice tells them the winner will win $100,000. Several of the models are excited about the money, but they will also win a contract with V05. Mary Alice announces 2 people will be sent home immediately. They have to walk the catwalk and tell them their modeling experience and education.

Andre starts first and makes the mistake of calling Mary Alice Mary Ann. He talks about how he never works out but has a perfect body. Slavco admits he was on the show “Kept” and Mary Alice thinks he just wants to be on TV. There is a montage of several contestants impressing Ben with their education credentials. There are also a few that are not quite all there mentally. One guy says his family isn’t native to America—they are northern Californian. The guy named Pickel is recognized by Mary Alice for his prior gigs. Mary Alice tells Mandy Lynn to scrub off her makeup. Jamie is described as being orange and Mary Alice tells her it sounds like she wants to be an actress.

Mary Alice tells them all she will call 3 people down and then 2 of them will be sent home. She calls down Mandy Lynn, Jamie, and Slavco telling them she has serious doubts those three are models they are looking for. Ben fights hard to keep Mandy Lynn and so Mary Alice cuts Slavco and Jamie. She tells everyone else to get acquainted with their house and to find a bed. Ben tells them to study the dictionaries on their beds because their first challenge is a spelling bee about fashion and beauty words.

They all run to find beds and Andre ends up rooming with three girls he calls 2 midgets and Pinocchio so he feels like he’s in a fairy tale. He tells the girls he doesn’t snore but he masturbates. They find out their bathrooms are locked and to figure out the code they have to answer questions like when Columbus discovered America and when America declared independence. After a few wrong answers, they finally get in. However, to get into the refrigerator, the two foreign guys are trying to figure out when America celebrated its bicentennial x 100.

They all head outside to get to know each other. One of the guys goes off to study for the challenge and Blonde Rachel tells everyone else she just wants to be an actress. Andre calls her a bag of bones with implants and an ugly blonde wig. He takes offense that she’s not there to be a model. He wants to prove models deserve to be role models. Andre thinks it’s bad that Pickel ate three sandwiches and Brett thinks Andre is from Chernobyl the way he’s spouting off. Pickel says he has no problem butting heads with Andre. Andre immediately makes it the world against him and he’s determined to win.

The next day, they are all out at the pool studying. VJ says he knows he’s going to have to step it up. Brett asks Gaston if he’s going to study, and he’s sleeping instead. Angela tells the guys she’s going to work out and then join them by the pool. Gaston asks her if she’ll go topless and then tells her she has a nice butt. Blonde Rachel stops studying to get pretty for the challenge. Brett quizzes her on some words and she can’t spell them. Mandy Lynn wants to look classy, so Andre helps her by putting something on her nipples. Mandy Lynn says she only brought tight and belly baring outfits, but finally finds a cute dress after changing 10 times.

They head into the living room for the spelling bee. Ben tells them all their challenges will be bifurcated and everyone looks confused. Finally, Daniel tells them it means split into two points. The first part is called “Edge” where they will compete in an intellectual challenge to earn advice for the next part of the challenge and then the “Callbacks” will be strutting their stuff on the catwalk.

The first round was super easy with words like “blue” and “Fendi” to boost their confidence. The next round is harder and Andre gets eliminated right away and complains it’s biased against him for being Russian. Gaston misses spelling “nincompoop”. In round three the words get harder and Pickel misses “electrolysis”. Victoria immediately misses “emaciated” by starting it with an “a”. The next round was all about designer names to see who knows their fashion. Most people miss all of their words. It comes down to Daniel and Jesse. Daniel masterfully spells “phosphorescence” and Jesse comes back with “psoriasis” and they both impress Ben. After several rounds of both of them getting extremely difficult words, Jesse has to spell “Dionysian” correctly to win. He misses it and Daniel is given an envelope with his “edge” in it.

Daniel reads his edge and finds out he will need to know different dinosaur types. Meanwhile, Gaston keeps hitting on all the girls in his creepy way. He asks the girls to do porn and see their nipples. Gaston insists he only has to tell women they’ve got a great ass and nice boobs and they’ll sleep with him that night.

Mary Alice gathers the models and tells them the callback challenge will be a modeling challenge. She brought in Crista Klayman from LA models to teach them how to work the catwalk. Lisa is excited because she can walk. VJ says he is the perfect balance of brains and beauty. Erika doesn’t do catwalk, so she immediately gets help from Crista. Andre sits by and watches while he tells everyone they will all lose because he knows how to work the runway. Mandy is too much of a sexpot and Crista tells her to pretend someone hurt her dog. Andre says he doesn’t want a runway coach and this challenge is already his.

The models gather at the challenge and Mary Alice tells them they will be tested on not only their walk, but also their intelligence. They will be given a topic and will have to list things in that category as they model. Ben tells everyone Daniel had the edge of knowing his category. There are guest judges there from Harper’s Bazaar and a celebrity stylist. VJ has to name US states and does well until he gets to Memphis, Seattle, and Indianapolis. Ben says he did name quite a few, though, so he did well. The stylists say he did great. When he gets backstage they ask him what his category was and he refuses to tell them in case they get the same one. Victoria goes next and stumbles with her category of cities outside of the US. The judges tell her she was more strolling rather than walking the runway. They also don’t like her dress. Ben asks her if she owns a map.

Gaston’s category is things that smell bad. He does well naming things until he gets to dirty penis and Mary Alice and Ben crack up. The judges say he acts like he doesn’t care and that’s different than having an attitude. He tells everyone backstage not to say dirty penis. Mandy is next and gets “things that are round”. She just keeps repeating “balls, cherries, balloons, tires”. The judges tell her she is more of a porn star rather than a model. Mary Alice tells her if she makes it through, they will dye her hair and take her makeup off.

Several contestants go through the competition and get critiqued for everything from walking to losing weight to their answering of the category. Brett gets up and gets elements of the periodic table and does well up until the end. The judges tell him he looks like a professional model and he’s very happy with his performance. Daniel says he knows he’s the smartest one in the house and he’s ready to leave everyone in the dust. The judges tell him he has a horrible style and he has no attitude. They pretty much compare him to Zoolander and tell him his look was too mafia.

Pickel gets the category “types of flowers” and he pulls a Mandy and just keeps repeating the same ones over and over again and tries to make up a flower name. The judges tell him he should be an actor instead of a model and Mary Alice asks him if he wants to be a model and he hems and haws before finally saying yes. Andre’s category is “things in the sky”. He starts off strong but then laughs to himself and draws a blank. The judges tell him he looks like a boxer and he’s hefty. She asks him if he’s done runway and she seems surprised he has because she doesn’t think he can walk. Daniel is backstage venting about what the judges said and Andre calls him a whiny baby.

Everyone comes back out onto the stage and they give Brett the free pass onto the next episode for looking like he came straight out of a show and having the smarts to back it up. Mary Alice then tells the rest of them she will cut two people that night. Jesse decides to go home and drink because the black guy always gets cut first. Erika thinks Mandy will go home first. Andre puts all of his passes on his neck from fashion week in New York and says Mary Alice should send everyone home that night. Mandy decides to pull her hair back and take off her make up to show Mary Alice she’s making an effort.

Again, the models come into the challenge room and greet Mary Alice and Ben. Mary Alice says they will be sending 2 people home tonight. Brett is safe from being purged. Mary Alice tells Jesse he needs to slim down and to use the gym in the house. Mary Alice calls Gaston, Mandy, and Victoria down as the bottom 3. Mary Alice tells Gaston he has a great look, but he just didn’t seem to care. Mary Alice tells Mandy she is the embodiment of what she hoped not to find, but she is impressed that she has no make up on at all tonight. Mary Alice says she’s surprised Victoria is down there because she’s tall and thin, but she did awful in both challenges.

Ben tells Gaston and Victoria they are now vestigial and they just stare at him blankly. Mary Alice translates for them and tells them to leave. Gaston says he’s happy to leave and Victoria says she’s a great model and she’ll make it far. Mary Alice decides to make Mandy her pet project and will try to make her into a model because she likes her spirit.

This season, we will see lots of stupid answers and Andre fighting with everyone. There will be photoshoots and Bill Nye the Science Guy. They get to dissect pigs and tan some nerds. The models get a chance to do a commercial and work an auto show.